Openness

I am open. Not to be too cliché, but some would even describe me as an “open book”.  In obvious ways, I am warm, inviting, loud, fun-loving, bubbly, and wear my opinions and feelings on my sleeve. On the flip side, I can be harsh, knee-jerk, and nasty. I can shine, and I can also come in like clouds covering the sun for a brief time. When being honestly introspective, I know that most people either gravitate to me immediately, loving me, or repel, hating me. Vulnerability is a quirky thing. People have told me that they love how I say aloud what they are silently thinking. Others have told me that I need a filter or censor. I can’t even count the times I have been told I need to be more ladylike. What does that even mean? Ladies can’t have opinions? We should be demure and silent, looking clean and pretty at all times? Nope. Not me. I know I could use some softening around the rough edges, but that takes tools I have yet to acquire.  Good thing I am not quite midlife and have kids and time. Both force me to step outside of myself. Growth, that’s what it’s about.

It’s taken me years of soul searching and tons of self-acceptance to tell you from the bottom of my heart; depths of my soul that I truly don’t care one way or another what people think when they see me. The most important thing is that we are all seen. Sure, most of us like to be liked. And, when I was a young girl, I was a people pleaser. I worked almost too hard to be liked, adored, and accepted. I wanted to make my mom (&my dad, too, at times) happy, and felt it was my duty to make life easier for others. Then, I grew up and realized it’s challenge enough to do that for oneself.  So, here I am. Complicated me. I am blessed with a fairly large circle of close, authentic, trust worthy, unconditional friends/family and they sustain me. I am one of the lucky ones. Therefore, it doesn’t phase me what others think.  

Here’s the thing about openness; vulnerability, it’s risky. Once you get past the risk to oneself, you have to think about those you love and who love you. They may not be comfortable with your level of openness. This is a conundrum. How can you be completely true to self while still being considerate of someone else’s feelings and comfort level? This is where I find myself struggling…